Having a daughter that is 10 1/2 and is already very much aware of body sizes of her classmates and is already lamenting the fact
that she doesn’t look exactly like the most popular girls, I get this. Â We have avoided, what I would consider, the gross excesses that this article brings out and have discouraged the boyfriend/girlfriend jokes that can fly around everywhere. Â We consistently emphasize to our daughter the value of her humor, her intellect, her kindness and artistic ability. Â But these statistics and cultural realities still turn my stomach when I think of her entering her teens all too soon.
Overall, there is content in this from that I agree with and some that I personally disagree with, but I especially was grateful for their description of “sexy” vs “sexualized.”  That was a great distinction for  Rachel Combe to explore.
I usually sign off with “Peace,” but for this post “Vigilance” seems more apropo. :/
Jim
Jay Lalime said...
1Interesting article… I’m not sold on this paragraph,
“Sports also create healthy common ground between girls and boys. Educators say they’re seeing the end result of the all-blue-for-boys, all-pink-for-girls marketing trends: boys and girls who have a harder time playing together, which ultimately leaves both sexes lagging in academic and social development. Further, there’s evidence that kids who play well with the opposite sex grow up to have more positive, long-lasting romantic relationships.”
I’d like to see some sort of studies to back it up. But I liked the experiential example of “Little House on the Prairie”.
02/22/11 9:56 AM | Comment Link
Candy Saban said...
2While I agree with most of what the article says, I must say that my daughter and I were all about the princesses when she was little. However, we interpreted “fair” to be inner beauty and pointed out that Cinderella, Snow White, and Belle, for example, are kind to people and animals and are hard workers. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that while we parents should be diligent about what our daughters watch and listen to, we can’t panic and overprotect. The girls I knew who become the most rebellious were the ones whose parents were paranoid about the world’s influences and held them too tightly. I agreed with the parent in the article who asked her daughter what she thought certain lyrics (to a song she had been singing to) meant. This was a great example of a teachable moment! We, as parents, need to help our daughters to question and challenge fads and pop culture norms because hiding them from the world is putting our princesses in a tower!
02/22/11 6:43 PM | Comment Link
said...
3Jay and Candy, great thoughts! I agree with much of what you are saying and the components that I most resonated with from the article were the issues of allowing a more heightened sexuality to invade younger and younger children. With little to no idea about what this process will result in…
To your point Jay, I am with you. Social Psychological research is a tricky thing. It can be done in a very scientific and detached manner, but it must then be interpreted. The interpretation is a bit more tricky than in many disciplines as you simply cannot lock out all but one variable at a time. Life happens at full speed with a myriad of influences on behavior and thought. When you add to that the study of children, it gets even harder. Not only are kids less aware of the causes of many of their choices, they are less able to explain those choices to the adult researchers. Add to that the almost innate desire to please adults, and it gets very hard.
Candy, that is where I agree with you as well. It is incredibly hard to discern what is ultimately the most effective when so many things cannot be measured meaningfully. Hence, it comes down to caring and careful parenting and taking advantage of those teachable moments.
So, while I value the effort, focus and intellect that those who study influences and outcomes in children, it is very hard to say with clarity (until multiple studies, of multiple groups, over multiple years) what leads to what.
Just another reason that the role of parenting drives me back to Christ. I need the help! 🙂
02/28/11 9:07 AM | Comment Link
a girl said...
4Jim, I read this post of yours some time back. I didn’t read the redbook article, because honestly I don’t care what redbook says.
First off, thank you for having this kind of care and concern for your daughter. My first thought on reading this was that I wish my dad had expressed that kind of concern for me when I went through that age. I cried when I read it actually. Anyhow, I don’t want this post to be about me obviously, but about your daughter and the other daughters who might have fathers reading this.
Obviously learning to place your worth in such attributes as intelligence, character traits, and personality is SUPER important, so definitely keep doing that.
However, there is something I want to encourage, but I am not exactly sure how:P
I think that there is a lot of importance also as a girl and as a woman in being comfortable with your physical body. Maybe that sounds weird, and like I said I don’t know how exactly you should go about that, but from personal experience I believe that it is important for a girl to develop a healthy,godly view of her body.
Again, I don’t want this to be taken as a pity party for myself, but I feel like I need to share where I have been and how I have felt about myself in order to demonstrate how important your influence in your daughter’s life at this time is.
Sometimes I joke that puberty is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes I’m not sure it’s a very good joke.
Nobody told me that my body was going to change. I was pretty sheltered from the world in general (no school, or church as a preteen), so one would think that I wouldn’t have the concerns about appearance that your average preteen girl did.
Unfortunately, the only male at the time that had an active presence in my life told me repeatedly every day that I was ugly and fat. [He was a teenager so go easy on him…I guess?)
So lets see…nobody told me that I was going to start gaining weight on seemingly weird places on my body, and I had somebody telling me I was fat and ugly every day. [Also, whenever I had spent time with my dad and brother together they would talk about how stupid women were. Thanks guys:P]
My mom’s contribution was I know done out of love and concern for me, but I think she went a little overboard. Though she gradually allowed me to make some choices towards clothing (to her credit), it was constantly a matter of hiding my body. If I put on a pair of pants, she would have me bend over so she could see if there were any lines from my underwear. With a skirt I had to stand in front of light or lighted doorway, so she could see if she could see the outline of my legs, and I either couldn’t wear the skirt or I had to keep putting on slips until she couldn’t see my legs. I remember one time when we were going to go to walmart which was a BIG deal (a treat actually:P). I came out to the car dressed in a dress that was too thin I guess, and my mom yells “I’m not taking you out in public in THAT.” and threatened not to take me, and I cried. Actually, I still don’t know what was wrong with that dress. I never really found out.
(I feel stupid even writing this, because I’m afraid I either sound like an idiot, or I sound like a bratty child, or I am an idiot:P)
Anyways, my point in saying all this is NEVER did anyone ever say anything that would remotely suggest that I should feel comfortable with my body. That being a woman, and to be blunt, gaining weight, having boobs or a butt is completely normal. The messages I got, were either ‘you are ugly’, ‘you are fat’, or ‘hide your body’.
[To make matters worse, at 13 [almost 14] my parents started attending a church, to which I went to youth group and the girls always wanted to give me makeovers. Like all the time, every youth trip. Nothing says Jesus loves you like everyone telling you that you need to wear different clothes:P]
It makes me angry that people are so concerned with the modesty of clothes instead of looking at the core of what girls believe about themselves, and why they feel they need to dress a certain way!
I’m not saying that we should instruct our daughters to be so comfortable with their bodies that they are comfortable wearing anything in public…but I am saying that a girl or woman should be able to look in the mirror and not feel shame.
I am so sick of posts by men about how women need to dress more modestly. I understand (well I at least try), that men are very visual, and have different temptations than I do, so please know that I am not discounting men’s struggles.
But I don’t see an issue with clothing modesty, I see an issue with what our daughters are embracing as beauty and how they think they need to present themselves.
So my point in all this is to say how very, very important it is for daughters to know they are beautiful. Yes, we need to value other attributes about them, like how caring, loving, or funny they are, but I don’t think God created woman for her to feel ashamed of her body.
I’m 23 so I have struggled with an eating disorder for about 14 years I guess? I’m at a “healthy” weight now, but far from comfortable with, let alone loving my body. Most women would be jealous, because most of my weight gain is in the areas that women usually want to gain weight, but for me I can’t get past feeling fat or evil or ashamed. It’s horrible. Some days I’m not even sure I want to be a woman, because I don’t want to have this body.
So again I don’t know how you raise your daughter to love her body. I don’t know. But I do wish fathers would spend less time worrying about what their daughters are wearing (not that that isn’t important) but spend so much more time worrying about the why she’s wearing it.
Maybe just saying positive things to your daughter(s) would help encourage a positive body image.
I guess for me it would have been good just to have somebody tell me I was beautiful, or God’s creation or anything like that.
I hope this post isn’t discouraging. If you don’t think it will be beneficial to anyone then please do remove it. If you do reply, please don’t post my actual name:P
05/21/11 12:55 AM | Comment Link
said...
5Thanks for the thoughtful post, “a girl” 🙂 I appreciate you don’t want it to be about what you went through, but I am so sorry about what you did go through. Having been through puberty myself and now walking our kids though it with Tracy, I can say that it is a tough process on both the parents and the kids. I am in no way excusing bad parenting during this time of life. Tracy and I have had to make specific decisions about how we will make sure we are available to the kids during this crucial season of their lives. Kids during this time of life need your time, your grace, your leadership (even though you should be lowering several of the boundaries) and your confidence that they are becoming who God created them to be. It isn’t always easy (I just locked horns with one of our kids today) but it is so important. Just know this, even if you didn’t hear what you needed to hear as you were growing up, God still very much wants to share it with you now. I will be praying for you. Peace. Jim
05/23/11 10:46 AM | Comment Link
Kathie said...
6Thanks for sharing the article. I have to say, I truly believe God made us two separate sexes for a reason and not just for procreation. I think as women, we have such a rich history of those who have fought for our equality that we lose sight of what that means. We have fought for the right to be whatever we want. We fought for voting rights. We fought for equal pay. The list goes on and on. But something I feel I have lost in the process is my right to simply be a woman. My right to be a stay at home mom without all the side glances from people who think I am lazy because I don’t bring home a paycheck, my right to cook for and generally take care of my family, etc. I like to be treated like a delicate flower…I fully expect my husband to hold a door for me. Yes, I can get it myself, but I like to be pampered. I’m a woman…
The stories of Cinderella, Beauty, and Snow White take us back to time where a woman is cherished. Not because she is beautiful on the outside, but because she has true beauty on the inside. I found my daughter not just dressing like a princess, but acting like a princess. And I’m not talking about the spoiled type. She would be kind because she saw Cinderella (her personal fave)be kind. So, I have to disagree with the princesses starting a downhill spiral.
As she got older, she began to watch Hannah Montana. At the time, Hanna had very positive lyrics in her songs and she always strove to do the right thing. Even when the right thing wasn’t the popular choice. My daughter thought Myley could do no wrong. Then came the pictures and other negative press. My daughter was disgusted. She lost all respect for Hannah/Myley and shown real character in the way she has handled the whole situation. I guess what I am getting at is this. I have raised both of my children to follow the will of God and to follow and obey his commandments. They have been raised to know right from wrong. Do we struggle when they want something or want to do something we question? Well, yes. We are all human. And satan is always waiting and scheming. Same thing with the provocative clothing. My daughter, though not always agreeable with my assessment, does not like the fact that it is very hard to find clothing that is appropriate for her age and her Christian beliefs. But she does care and is aware of the consequences of dressing inappropriately.
As long as you give your kids a strong foundation and strive to help them see their worth through Him that created them, you’re kids will come out just fine. Even an occasional manicure and brow wax won’t hurt. Let the girls be girls. God made us that way!
06/1/11 1:28 PM | Comment Link
a girl said...
7Thanks for your reply Jim.
I do want to make clear, that I don’t wish to in any way marginalize the challenges of parenting. Maybe I have even misjudged my parents, because raising kids is definitely not an easy thing!
It is humbling to hear that you and your wife face the challenges head-on, but especially that you seek God in all of this.
06/2/11 10:32 PM | Comment Link